Sometimes we can get caught up with the busyness of life and before you know it the two of you are friends, not intimate partners. The longer you leave it the harder it is to come back from this. It’s not going to get easier so it’s about facing it head-on and looking at what you can do to “bring your sexy back in your marriage.”
10 Ways to Bring your sexy back
- Get nostalgic: Remember when you first got together and share memories of those early days. Recapture some of that “spark” by recreating fond moments, visit an old haunt, get dressed up for dinner, or simply set the alarm 10 minutes earlier so you can enjoy a cuddle before getting up.
- Get competitive: A pillow fight or a heated game of scrabble is not only fun, it can make your relationship feel more exciting.
- Do something daring: Anything from watching a scary movie to skinny dipping on holiday – the adrenaline and shared feeling of vulnerability can help bring you closer.
- Flirt: As time passes couples feel more like friends than partners. Try to be bolder in your shows of affection and let your partner know you still find them attractive – flirting reminds you of that sexual connection you share.
- Talk more: The more you have open conversations the more comfortable you’ll both be raising issues around sex. The closer you feel to each other, the more intimate you will feel.
- Make nice gestures: Compliments, buying their favourite food at the supermarket, or texting during the day to tell them you’re thinking of them can all help remind your partner of the affection between you.
- Don’t make it all about sex: Remember that not all moments of intimacy and affection lead to sex. If your partner associate’s affection from you as an attempt to have sex, then intimacy will break down.
- Think about your surroundings: A messy bedroom, harsh lighting, or dirty bed lines won’t help you get in the mood. Have a tidy up and do your best to create a romantic atmosphere that you can both relax in.
- Touch: Oxytocin, a chemical in our bodies responsible for bonding in relationships, increases when you touch someone. Something as simple as holding hands or giving your partner a peck on the cheek can help build intimacy.
- Have realistic expectations: No one has a Hollywood relationship and it may look that all your friends are having great sex life’s. You have no idea what really goes on behind closed doors. Analysing and comparing yourself to other relationships will only set you up for disappointment.
There is no denying the global divorce rate is humongous. However, I think that there is a false idea or fantasy about relationship being like the Cinderella story. We have a habit of projecting our own needs onto our partner and believe they are going to fill the void for you.
It is important to realise that your partner is not going to fill that void for you, that is your job.
A rock-solid relationship is about having no expectations, not judging and learning about what love truly is, which is unconditional and that is very sexy. That’s loving someone but also letting them go at the same time. Too often we try to control our partner, but unconditional love is continually about loving and letting go, loving and letting go, loving and letting go. Its also means accepting and loving the parts in them that we don’t particularly like.
A lot of the time your partner will mirror things back to you that need to be healed within yourself. The temptation is to run away or avoid them because you don’t like to look at those things in yourself. In fact, we tend to look outside ourselves and point the finger at our partners.
If we really get down to it, most of us are afraid of love, even thou it is the most beautiful thing around. Love yourself first and having a fear of intimacy comes back to yourself. It’s important to not blame this fear on your partner and to look at your own self-worth, confidence and self-esteem. Of course, any fear-based feelings are at a deeper level however coming to an understanding of these emotions will help improve the foundation of the relationship you have with yourself and others and in time this will bring the sexy back into your marriage.
Take a listen to my Empowered Marriage Podcast. There’s a new podcast each week – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/