So, your marriage is in trouble and you’re not sure how much longer you can live with the unhappiness and disconnection your feeling.
Most of what keeps us stuck are the fearful thoughts running through our minds. To attempt to make sense of what is likely 60,000+ thoughts each day, we begin talking to others…and all that talking is many times, the very thing that keeps us stuck.
stuck in the pain…
stuck in the stories…
How do you move forward and gain clarity and direction?
Firstly, pick very carefully who you talk to too discuss your marriage.
People who will not tell you what to do
Not take sides
Remember No Decision is a Decision
When we’re facing a life changing decision, it’s easy to see how we can become stuck, trapped and frozen in our steps. But understand that not making a decision, or deciding to remain in the status quo is, in fact, making a decision.
It’s making the decision to stay stuck.
You don’t have to know what the end looks like. Whether it’s staying in your marriage or lovingly releasing your marriage, there is no way to know exactly what life will look like one year from now.
As humans we so often need to have the answers and need to know now. So, when it comes to something as important as your marriage all you have to know is what’s the next step you need to take that will give you greater clarity to help you make your decision in time.
At this point, don’t allow the big question of, “Should I Stay or Go?” stop you from answering the smaller questions along this journey. Each step you take gives you more and more information and then no next step can ever be a mistake.
Questions to ask yourself
- Do you love your partner, are you in love with your partner and does he/she love you?
- Does your partner respect you? And do you respect your partner?
- Is there a power imbalance so your partner makes you feel lesser than? Are you equals?
- Is the relationship abusive? Is addiction present by either of you?
- Was it ever really good? If yes when? If not, it probably never will be.
- Are you both willing, wanting and capable of change?
- What is the cost to you staying in this marriage?
- Have you healed from resentments that you may be holding on to?
- Can you forgive and live in the present?
- Do you have a blind spot?
- Is the belief “Marriage death do us part” holding you in limbo
- Have you given time for hurts to heal? Does your relationship have the capacity for forgiveness?
- Has your partner breached a bottom line?
- Despite everything, have you still got more to give?
Work together to make the relationship better, fall in love again.
Scheduling time together will help you see if there’s a new version of your existing relationship that can emerge; maybe even one that you’ve never seen before (because the existing relationship clearly isn’t working). Death of the old.
Spending time apart can give you information about whether you miss your partner more than you thought you would, or you finally feel free and at ease.
What are your strengths and Growth Areas: Creating time to work in these areas with a therapist can be very helpful.
- Conflict Resolution
- Partner Style and Habits
- Financial Management
- Leisure Activities
- Sexuality and Affection
- Family and Friends
- Relationship Roles
- Children and Parenting
- Spiritual Beliefs
Remember it’s a journey and by putting your head in the sand that is achieving nothing. Reflecting, feeling, talking, looking at your marriage with your partner while you’re in it is the key. Doing the work that is needed to make a decision about the status of your marriage.
Taking one step and achieving that is a step in a direction regardless if you stay or go.
Too many people have regrets that they didn’t work on their marriage and gave up on it too quickly.