So, your now single and perhaps its been 10, 20 30 or 40 years since you were single. To say it’s an adjustment is an understatement. Research says that for every 10 years of a relationship 1 year of grieving is needed for healing. So, work it out, 20 years with a partner needs approximately 2 years of grieving and processing.
A common statement that comes in my counselling room from single people is “I should be further along than this”. And I totally disagree. You are where you are and cutting yourself some slack and having some loving kindness for yourself is the key.
I see people who do not want to be alone and do not want to feel the emotions connected with the ending of a relationship. There is no getting around this and replacing your partner or quickly finding a new partner without processing and accepting and understanding what’s gone wrong. You move on to quickly this can lead to problems in the future. Here’s just a few:
- Anger because of unprocessed events that have happened in your precious relationship.
- Triggers and baggage carried into new relationship
- Building a new relationship not on a strong foundation
- Finding someone to rescue you, save you
- You will take sabotaging behaviour into the next relationship if you do not address it.
- Self-medicating with alcohol, gambling, drugs and food
Rushing head on into a new relationship is not the answer. Learning to be with yourself and accepting what has happened is the key.
7 Ways of what to do when a relationship ends:
- Love yourself for the good that you see
Make a choice to stop criticising yourself and giving yourself a hard time. Looking at your flaws is habitual and self-sabotaging, and it is soul destroying. Also blaming and attacking your partner only weakens you, makes you toxic. Making a choice to stop and seek help if you cannot.
- Wrap the worry and send it packing
Worry is tiresome, weakens you on all levels and does nothing to support your self-love. It can become such a part of your life that it would leave a void if you were not to worry.
To send your worry packing do the following:
- Get a piece of paper and write down what you’re worried about.
- Have a worry purge to really empty out all of your worries.
- Read aloud what you have written.
- Burn the piece of paper.
Through this process you can let go of your worries and surrender them to the universe. Then put your energy into ways to help the situation in which you find yourself. Repeat this process as often as you need to.
- Learn and grow spiritually
When you grow spiritually you become more peaceful, compassionate, and connected to yourself and the universe. In turn, the love for yourself grows.
- Validate your feelings
Loving yourself requires you to be truthful about your own feelings. If you are happy, acknowledge the joy. If you are sad, acknowledge the sorrow. When you are truthful about your feelings, you do not try to lie to yourself or seek to bury negative emotions. Acknowledging your feelings helps you realise your thoughts and allows healing and self-growth to take place.
- Learn to say ‘no’
You will love yourself more when you set boundaries and allow yourself to say ‘no’. Start with small things and practice how to do it. Say ‘no’ to anything that hurts you physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Part of self-love is listening to yourself all the time. It involves listening to yourself and noticing within yourself when something does not feel right, trusting your intuition and being able to say ‘no’. This constantly refuels your love tank for yourself.
- Listen to and respect your inner world
Make time and space to develop your inner peace and calmness. You can begin by sitting and taking a few deep breaths and noticing how your body feels. Don’t attach to any of your thoughts; just let them go. Imagine a stream into which you put your thoughts. Watch them drift away. Or put them on a cloud and watch them float into the distance. Learn to just be. Your soul will thank you for creating space to do this.
When you fully relax you tap into the intuitive side of your brain, which is concerned with creativity, emotion and spirituality. This, in turn, brings inner peace and self-love. Find ways to relax your mind and body on a regular basis. Think about how you can do this.
Remember when you stop looking externally for your love and you love yourself, areas in your life will change. You will trust and believe in yourself as to what you need, feel, and want. You will know, and feel within, that you are special, worthy, and loveable. You will not need anyone else to tell you. As heart wrenching as it is when a relationship ends you will come out the other end stronger and wiser if you show loving kindness to yourself. Its no one else’s job to do it.
Spend time and energy getting to know and love yourself. Self-love is the very core of well-being and joy. It enables you to create the kind of life you want and to love others more easily. When you love yourself you’re at peace with yourself.