Libido in a long-term relationship – Introducing Naomi Hutchings, a clinical sexologist currently working in Brisbane, Queensland. Naomi has worked in this interesting field of human sexuality for over 14 years. This is a short snippet of a terrific interview on my podcast Empowered Marriage.
What is a sexologist? A sexologist is someone who has extensively studied, at a university level, the field of human sexuality in all aspects. There are presently three fields of professional practice in sexology: research, sexual education, and clinical practice.
Libido in a long-term relationship is often talked about so this interview I ask Naomi several questions on this topic.
I want to want sex!
“People have unrealistic expectations which gets them down”.
“There is a lot of grief and they think there is something wrong or they’re broken is usually another word they’ll say because they don’t want sex”.
We talk a lot about what that means and why they’re so concerned about that.
How do you begin to unpack that and support people through this?
I talk about what they were taught about sex. Were they in a house where sex was not talked about, was it silent? So even though there wasn’t anything negative being said as such, it’s the silence.
Naomi sees a lot of people who are in different religions where you can’t have sex until marriage. “So I see a lot of them who have got together and then waited and then they’re in all sorts of bother”.
People are taught sex was not okay from a young age.
Unpacking the messages around sex and how you were raised is a place to begin looking at the relationship you have with sex.
“Even in Australia, whilst we might be ahead in the sense of being more open than some countries, we still have a long way to go” explains Naomi.
Changing those stories that you have around sex and being able to talk about it. Some people find it really difficult to talk about, normalizing sex is so important.
The Elephant in the room, let’s get to it.
Naomi explains it is such a vulnerable space to be in for many people to get naked and share your sexuality and your body with someone.
They just do not talk about that and think it is all just going to happen. Like it does in the movies when that is not even real, it’s a story your being fed.
Naomi encourages people to talk about what they are wanting this relationship to be and how much of those old stories are getting in the way of you having that.
We never talk about sex!
Trying to have that conversation in a gentle way for example:
“Hey, I really want our sexual relationship to be as best as it can. What are you thinking? What would you like? How are you feeling about it?
“It’s quite a vulnerable space. So sometimes I don’t suggest attacking your partner or going at it when they’re naked and you’re lying there after you’ve just had sex”. Naomi explains saying it in a space where you’re maybe feeling good and things are going well, perhaps you’re driving in the car as not everyone likes full eye contact, or you’ve just gone out for a walk. Coming at it from that sort of angle of saying, “Hey, I was thinking about this. I’d really love us to really take our sexual space to a new level. What are you thinking”?
Commonly people do find their priorities change. You are a mum with a young baby for example. Their baby wants their attention and you’re having sleepless nights. That’s massive. So, I do talk about still trying to find ways to prioritize touching, even if it’s not long sexual experiences, and also doing it at different times. I talk about that a lot about finding a different time and just working out, what is going to work at that time. It is normal. It’s going to be a journey like the rest of your life, that your sexual experience is going to be up and up and down just like your libido.
Finding ways to check in and those bids for connection are met.
What is it that we get from sex together?
Is it connection and feeling like lovers, not just people paying bills and parenting and stuff?
Looking at that and then saying, this is what it’s going to be for now, like it’s good enough for now, can be helpful. Don’t compare to others as this is the thief of happiness and what’s working for you is right for you. Communicating and opening up the conversation is very important.
Working with Naomi she will ask you a lot of very specific questions regarding sexual activity and sexual concerns, as well as learning about your current and past relationships, childhood, family, beliefs about gender, sexuality, relationships, etc.
This is not because she is nosey, but it helps her to get an idea of why you might be feeling the way you are and what we can do, together, to improve and enhance your life.
Naomi offers Face to Face sessions in Paddington, Brisbane as well as online sessions to people all over the world.
Urban Wellbeing Centre
24 Latrobe Terrace
QLD, 4064 Australia
+61 (0)412 272 565
Tune into to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This fortnight’s podcast is available now and discusses this topic in more depth. Libido in a long-term relationship with Sexologist Naomi Hutchings – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/