This is very common and a pattern that couples fall into.  Both feel disconnected and lonely and not talking about it.  All they talk about is the kids and planning and not too much else.  Couples fall into parallel lives living alongside each other like roommates or flat mates doing their own thing.  And they can’t remember the last night they had a date night.

Happy couple smiling at camera at the beach

Have you heard that expression if you keep doing the same thing you will get the same results.  Try something different before it becomes serious and you end up going you’re different ways.

Here’s some ideas:

Tools: To Design Your Relationship

  1. Attend a regular activity as a couple.
  2. Have a night out or date night alone on a regular basis.
  3. Have a night away together whenever you can.
  4. Change predictable routines, especially those concerning your sex life and social activities.
  5. Do something you enjoyed doing years ago
  6. Go somewhere you used to go years ago.
  7. Have a good laugh over something.
  8. Dance.
  9. Develop some common short and long-term goals together.
  10. Prioritise your marriage by making it a focus in your life, giving it your energy and attention in the same way you do with your work or children.
  11. Take ownership of the fact that you are emotionally connected and attached to your partner. What are all the things you use to love about your partner? What do you currently love? Has the list got shorter?
  12. Eliminate the negative thoughts that you have about your partner. Retrain your brain and focus on the positive. Shine the light on the good, what is positive and what you appreciate.
  13. Anger and frustration push people away. Look into yourself on a deeper level to understand why you’re angry. Sharing your vulnerable side with your partner creates a connection.
  14. When you physically connect with your partner regularly you connect with your ‘feel good’ hormones. Over time physical touch gets lost and partners get out of the habit of being physically connected. A great starting point to reviving the physical side of your relationship is a really nice goodbye and reunion. Take time to hug. Hold hands in public. Cuddle on the couch. Stop what you’re doing and bring the physical in again. Communicate with your partner that you want to start touching more and that you feel you don’t do it enough. If you are concerned that your partner will think touching brings on the green light to love making, talk about how you feel.
  15. Have fun, laugh, play and make humour part of everyday. To start, plan fun activities.
  16. Reclaim the romance in your relationship. Are you business partners or a romantic couple?

These are amongst many simple things that you can do to build your relationship and they can make the world of difference. Concentrate on one at a time add others gradually.



The quality of your relationship with your partner is in direct proportion with the quality of your relationship with yourself. Work on you first; you cannot change your partner, only you. There is not a perfect partner out there, all couples fight and feelings of love come and go; it’s natural just like the changing seasons.

When you step up and start accepting responsibility for yourself that’s when you will notice a change in the quality of your life, thinking and relationships. Spend time working on the suggestions and the quality of your relationship will improve.  Counselling can be extremely helpful to look at this and uncover patterns and core beliefs that are effecting you and you’re relationship.