Questions and Answers
Here’s four questions that I received recently; names removed for confidentiality.
1. How am I to make the difficult choice to divorce when I know my marriage is over but feel so much shame and stigma?
Reframing your thoughts and beliefs surrounding divorce can be very helpful. I struggled with this and what supported me was to see the divorce wasn’t a break from anything on the outside.
- It was a divorce from my own past
- My false self
- My pleaser self
- My unauthenticity self
- My own ego
- It was a divorce from the fear and victim mentality
When you come from this place you reflect on the courage, you feel liberated that you have grown and felt compassion rather than blame and resentment.
2. Who am I to be now? My children are now teenagers and are independent and strong individuals. They no longer need me in quite the same way that they did. I have gone from mummy to mum and on some level, I am retrenched. I feel like I’m needed for food, money, and car rides.
It’s a confronting time even if you are prepared for it. It’s very common for women particularly to forget themselves and to live from caring and pleasing and putting the children and family before yourself. It’s now your time, your time to put you first, to validate you to live your life from your own grounding and what you want.
3. I have sex to please my partner, often not wanting to but it’s easier than putting up with him hunting me and getting in a mood.
When we say yes, and our body is saying no a pattern is born. We don’t want disapproval and rejection, so we have sex even when we don’t want to. A cycle of fear-blame and shame is born. Each time you don’t stand up for yourself out of fear, you beat yourself up often for days afterwards.
It’s only when you can own your fear and begin to say no that this will change.
Our fear resolves around:
*What will my partner say
*Who will I be without his approval (external approval)
*Will speaking up affect me emotionally, physically, and emotionally?
4. I love my partner but am feeling distant and disconnected from her. We’ve been together 5 years and have 2 children.
To last past the honeymoon stage a couple needs an emotional and mental connection. This then keeps sexual chemistry alive and has nothing to do with how you look. The real chemistry occurs within you. You feel it within you and then you feel connected to the other in a truly intimate way. The more connected you are to your partner in the ordinariness of life, doing the dishes, holding hands going for a walk the closer you will feel. When we feel connected to the other in a truly intimate way your body creates its own internal stimulants. Having your own inner union, accepting, and celebrating you.
Ideas to move the rut and stagnation in you and your relationship
- Get competitive: A pillow fight or a heated game of Monopoly is not only fun, but it can also make your relationship feel more exciting.
- Do something daring: Anything from watching a scary movie to skinny dipping on holiday – the adrenaline and shared feeling of vulnerability can help bring you closer.
- Flirt and let the tension build: As time passes couples feel more like friends than partners. Try to be bolder in your displays of affection and let your partner know you still find them attractive – flirting reminds you both of that sexual connection you share, and let it build.
- Talk more: The more you have open conversations, the more comfortable you’ll both be raising issues around sex. The closer you feel to each other, the more intimate you will feel.
- Make nice gestures: Compliments, buying their favourite food at the supermarket, or texting during the day to tell them you’re thinking of them can all help remind your partner of the affection between you.
- Don’t make it all about sex: Remember that not all moments of intimacy and affection lead to sex. If your partner associates any affection from you as an attempt to have sex, then intimacy will break down.
Tune in to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This fortnight’s podcast is available now and discusses this topic in more depth.
Questions and Answers – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/
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