If you are feeling more like room mates and best friends, not lovers, then I’d encourage you to look at your relationship. The longer you leave this, the harder it is to come back from. It’s very painful if you are in this position in your marriage. Here are 8 ideas to get you started.
Go down memory lane:
I want you to go right back to when you first met.
- What was it like?
- What was it that attracted you to your partner?
- Was it confidence?
- Was it the passion for whatever their purpose was? Perhaps an artist, riding or sailing and it doesn’t really matter what it is, but when they talked about it, they were excited. That excited you because confidence and purpose are probably one of the biggest turn-ons in a relationship.
Perhaps you’re not looking after your health:
- You may be carrying some weight?
- Your smoking heavily
- You may be drinking regularly?
Taking responsibility for your own health. Create some desire within yourself first and then you may feel some for your partner.
Recreating all those fun memories that were made at the beginning of your relationship.
- Like where did you go for your first date?
- Where were you when perhaps you first told your partner that you love them or where did a proposal take place?
It’s a really great way to recap the enthusiasm of those special days that were right in the beginning and to go back and actually really put some time and energy into it. You may be very surprised at as to how you feel.
Make your relationship a priority:
- Sitting aside designated times during each day to talk
- Enjoying regular date nights
- Moving heaven and earth to make sure that nothing else gets in the way of the two of you spending quality time together, your relationship needs to become a priority.
- To get up from whatever you’re doing and just give each other a big hug when you partner gets home.
- Kiss studies show that oxytocin a feel-good hormone is released through physical contact. And so, this helps you to naturally feel closer and better about yourself and your relationship.
- Introducing an electronics ban. Both of you put all your electronic equipment out of the bedroom.
- When did you last look into your partner’s eyes? Start eye gazing. That is a tremendous way to start connecting with each other without having to talk.
Take up a new activity:
- Signing up to a new activity that the two of you can do together
- Do something adrenaline-like, which can bring some excitement.
- Try a cooking class together.
- Joining a pub trivia team.
- Dancing and shake things up.
It’s going to create new conversations and you may begin to see each other in a whole new light.
Get yourself in the mood throughout the day:
To have desire for your partner, you have to have that desire within yourself. Many people lose desire and you lose that fundamental connection with yourself. When you lose desire, you may have put weight on, working long hours, stressed and if you have any anxiety, you’re not going to have any desire for yourself and feelings of pleasure or any joy.
You have to recreate the connection and desire within yourself. Do you pick yourself up some lingerie? Do you have a beautiful warm bath? Start being creative. Perhaps working with a therapist to uncover the different parts of you and your sexual energy.
When you’ve got a routine, it’s the same. “We have sex on Sunday and Wednesday”. If you want to stop being room mates and best friends and you want to be lovers, breaking routine means acknowledging that we need change.
Breaking routine is really, important. And if you want to bring the spark back, breaking routine is essential. And bringing back the essence of romance. Surprise, anticipation and mystery. It’s exciting and it’s being able to bring that spark back in.
Can you be a better partner?
Putting yourself in a position to be open, to hear what your partner’s saying. It’s so easy to become defensive and what we perceived to be criticisms. But if you can reframe your partner’s words so that you hear only solutions, that can be a quick way of getting around otherwise lengthy and detailed issues which could just work to eventually bury you.
Desire is about staying open to yourself and your partner.
The mystery of that person in your life who’s living right beside you. And it’s having trust and being vulnerable. The desire to reawaken the spark in you and your relationship begins with a choice.
Tune into to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This week’s podcast is available now and discusses this topic in more depth. Room mates and best friends: https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/