Stop trying so hard to make your partner happy
“I just want to make my partner happy” is a very common comment I hear in working in therapy with couples.
Is it your responsibility to make your partner happy?
What happens when you do everything you can, and your partner is still not happy?
For example, make them dinner, earn a great income, be attentive and caring, mow the yard, take your partner on a holiday, do all the washing, plan the budget, stop drinking alcohol, stop taking drugs, play more with the children, ask less for sex and more and more and more.
Why do I try to make my partner happy?
A pattern is formed when we are children. Developed slowly in response to seeking approval and love from our parents. So great is our need to be seen and validated by our parents we slowly bury our authentic self in the process. The result is trying to please others particularly our partner and if they do not acknowledge us, we can feel unworthy and unlovable.
So, the cycle begins again, over and over and the harder you try to make your partner happy the more your authenticity corrodes and the disconnect with yourself and your pattern continues. You will be slowly hiding your inner world and feel like whatever you do is just not good enough. You will also feel the following if you’re trying to make your partner happy:
- Anger and irritability
- Fatigue and exhaustion
- Confusion and self-critic
- Self-doubt and sabotage
How’s this working for you?
I’m assuming you’re very tired of trying to get validation and love from your partner? Recognising the false ways, you have adopted to get your needs for love and self-worth met is very tiring and difficult.
Basically, it is not your job to make your partner happy. Your job is to learn how to make yourself happy not from your external world. Not the partner, career, house, car, boat, money and anything outside of yourself.
It begins with deeply understanding yourself
Deciding to do it differently, a new awareness of looking at yourself
Shifting into a new awareness we tend to go through severe disorientation, it’s extremely unsettling. You can feel guilt and very uncomfortable, confusion and fear. Very normal, being ok feeling uncomfortable is the key.
Your dismantling old belief systems and ways of being. For example, I will be happy when I make you happy.
There is no one on the outside to love fully until you love yourself. Focusing on your own underdeveloped self and your own inner wholeness.
Self-care is self-love and it’s different for everyone. Exploring what it is for you is vital. Here are some ideas:
- Exercise like running, yoga, Pilates, boxing
- Meditation, mindfulness
- Gratitude, journal writing
Being able to make yourself happy will mean you will be a much happier version of yourself, and you will take responsibility for your own happiness.
Tune in to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This fortnight’s podcast is available now and discusses this topic in more depth.
Stop trying so hard to make your partner happy – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/