So, what is a victim?
A victim is someone who feels hard done by and that they have little or no control over there life. A victim is a person who believes that something or someone or the past is externally controlling their life.
In this headspace, you feel sorry for yourself and you sit and have a pity party, visit pity land, and bring in evidence to support why you are so hard done by.
Being a victim sometimes just feels so comfortable, so usual so familiar. Perhaps you have been like this for as long as you can remember and couldn’t imagine your life any different. Not being a victim? OMG it would be like walking into a shopping centre naked and everybody would be looking at you? It can seem that extreme for some people, feeling very exposed without that protection.
Is this you:
- Poor me attitude
- Don’t take responsibility for your actions
- You feel people are against you
- You need rescuing
- You go from one drama to another
- Are you often depressed?
- Do you often feel needy?
- You blame your bad luck on others
- Your negative
- Often feel exhausted
- You feel sorry for yourself
- You tell people over and over your story of what has happened to you
If you said yes to at least 2 of these there’s a chance you have a victim mentality. Recognising you’re a victim is the first step because you cannot change what you don’t own. In my experience, just by being aware of the benefits of being a victim it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose a different path.
I can spot a victim a mile away as I’ve had years working as a counsellor and I was a victim so from one victim to another I know exactly what to look for. As a counsellor, we are trained to listen acutely and some people are not ready to change they just want you to listen to their story, over and over again. This is said with all respect as you are not going to change until you are ready and want to. For years people loop around telling anybody whose willing to listen to their story. What’s that doing to you? Keeping yourself in victim mentality and keeping you from changing. We have all experienced negative, stressful events which can range from losing a job, illness, loosing someone close to us, money problems, abuse, bullying and the list goes on.
There is a difference between being a victim of a tragic event in your life and living a life with a victim mindset. I’ve worked with many people over the years who have done the necessary work required to overcome traumatic events. They then go on to living a fulfilling life having left events behind. People with a victim mindset have an energy of powerlessness, helplessness and avoid responsibility and will continue to live in this way until they decide it’s not working for them and want to change.
Benefits of a Victim Mindset
Playing the victim role has benefits. In the medical world, there is a term called secondary gain that explains the benefit, or gain, of remaining sick. If that’s the only way you get attention, well then there is a motivation to remain down!
I’ve written the benefits in a few different ways and some of them mean the same thing. Why you ask? This is crucial because until you get you’re being a victim how are you meant to have a fulfilling a life living your purpose? The reality is you’re not.
Being a victim must stop as it creates such a false sense of self, its soul destroying. Take your time reading thru this list and don’t just stay in the head. Drop into the body and connect with the heart and the gut and be honest with yourself as this is a crucial step in living a life that is purpose filled.
Benefits of being a victim include:
Attention: Good or bad attention, doesn’t matter and you may receive sympathy and support from people.
Blame other people: Much easier to blame others like your parents, partner, siblings to name a few. Once you stop blaming and stop being a victim you are then on your way to being a victor and that can be very scary so some of you stay in victim.
You get to hold onto the past: For the victim, this is your holding pattern. You will continue to tap into the past for evidence to support why you must stay a victim. The thought of letting go of your past is too scary, it’s your anchor.
No need to take responsibility: You don’t need to take any risks or responsibilities for yourself or your life, it’s an easier path.
Child Mindset: An excuse to not grow up and make decisions and be active in the adult world. Perhaps mummy, daddy, husband or wife can continue to look after you.
Let me tell you my story: I can tell you my story repeatedly and you can feel validated and important.
An Excuse: An excuse and a massive one for some people, it’s an excuse for the fact that you have not achieved. You continue to think that other peoples have held you back and they haven’t seen your potential. Keeps you in your comfort zone, hide there and an excuse not to challenge yourself or seek personal growth.
Part of a group: You may feel part of a group, the community and you continue to meet weekly, monthly to discuss again the injustices. It could be an informal group of friends and you each have turns talking about how shitty your life is. It maybe a group and your feelings about the injustice keeps you in the suffering. What you focus on grows.
Poor Me: Gives you a sense of identity and you feel special which can result in passive power that people want to give you attention and pity.
Use it for Power: Being a victim can place you in a position of power. This victim power play you may see played out on social media and a person can use this and have followers and you all feed off each other, extremely self-destructive.
So at least one or two you can relate too? It’s not about beating yourself up and this can be another example of the benefits of a victim mindset as you continue to blame yourself for your misfortunes. Sometimes we are dealt cards that are out of our control and its then what you do with them. Weather you consider yourself a victim is something to ponder, really ponder. I cannot express enough the importance of this and dropping the victim mentality. This can sometimes not be so black and white however I feel it can be. One thing with being a victim is to ask yourself every day, many times a day AM I BEING A VICTIM?Â IF YES, I CHOOOSE VICTOR!! and what do I want to feel?
Victims feels sad, shallow, hollow, low energy, passive, unmotivated, depressed, anxious, stressed, weak, illness, worry, frustrated, pessimistic, fearful, and dismissive.
Victors feel excited, motivated, passionate, on purpose, strong, powerful, centred, optimistic, balanced, empowered and confident.
Making a choice to be a victor will connect you to a life where you are always a champion, that’s your normal. From there comes an excitement and a connection with yourself, with the divine and a oneness within.
To be able to part with your victim mentality you must give up the benefits that it brings
Ask yourself am I being a victim It is a choice, it’s a mindset. Even if your circumstances are shit you have a choice where you mind goes. No one can convince you to change your mindset. You will however pick this book back up in 1 week, 3 months, 1 year, 3 years or perhaps never. You will pick it up when you decide enough is enough and you want to change.
You do not get to choose the cards that are dealt to you however how you play the cards is entirely different, that’s totally under your control. When you dwell on the circumstances you have been faced rather than your ability to choose to face your advertises you wind up becoming a victim of your thinking. This slowly overtime creates a hollow, stagnant, stale, tired old life.
Having overcome some adversity of my own and having worked with thousands of people in my counselling/coaching practice I’m convinced that when people let go of the victim mindset they are capable of so much in their life and go on to live a purpose filled life.
You are in control of your future and once you accept that you are the only person who controls your destiny you can let go of the victim mentality. When you learn to choose to be a victor rather than a victim you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions, you are empowered to make changes and be happy. This will transform your life and the most crucial step in all the principals. Counselling can be extremely helpful to support you letting go of your story. Who would you be without your story? Free!