Key 5 “The 2 person rules”
Never take things personally, what is said to you and the actions towards you. It’s all about the other person and what is going on for them in that moment. If you take things personally you can in a heartbeat have your positive mood changed when someone criticizes you or says something negative about you. You then become reactive and that means they have taken your power away. This is a skill that needs to be practiced to take a step back, take in a breath and actually wonder what is going on for the person who has personally had a go at you.
HALT is a great word to use when someone wants to argue or personally verbally attack you.
If either of you are any of the above it’s a good idea to make another time to discuss the issue at hand. You will not reach any compromise or middle ground when you are feeling any of the above.
“For many years I took everything personally. I had such an aching need in me for people to like me that I took everything personally. Any smell of rejection and it triggered a personal attack within me. Rejection is one of the lifelong core issues related to adoptees also many other people. When something negative or attacking was said to me I took it very personally and saw it to be rejection. I now understand how rejection works within me and over time the more wholeness I have felt for me the less I take things personally. It has been a choice to not take things personally. If I do find myself starting to take things personally asking questions can be very supportive.”
Never make assumptions as this just doesn’t support you. How someone says something you can interrupt very differently. An action someone does you can process in very different way to what the person intended. If you are unsure ask a question instead of making an assumption as sometimes it can be a slight misunderstanding. Making an assumption can become negative and the movies in your head can begin and by the time your mind slows down you have a matinee showing a full length epic, all the result of an assumption.
I’ll give you an example of a classic assumption. A friend’s 40th birthday was approaching and other friends asked if we were going. I explained that we hadn’t received an invite. Now I could have taken it personally and made an assumption like “why don’t they like us anymore”, “we invited them to our last party” or “what have we done wrong”. I can list many assumptions but I chose to ask the questions instead. I made a phone call and said “I heard your 40th party is coming up and we so much want to go and help in the celebrations.”. I was informed that I had been sent an invite a couple of weeks ago by email. On checking the emails they had the wrong one.
A simple misunderstanding and making an assumption could have lead to disharmony in a relationship. Asking the question avoids making an assumption.