Free yourself from your arguing and fighting. The biggest breakup to relationships is the bickering and the disconnect. Your impatience, annoyance, and intolerance of your partner breaks down the communication and connection.
This didn’t suddenly begin to happen for you, it’s been slowly building and festering over the years. Do you see the only way out as splitting, divorcing, and going your separate ways?
I’ve seen over the years of working with couples who split they then realize after the split that a lot of what was going on was their own unfinished emotional business and unresolved grief.
The disowning your feelings you feel suffocation and then project it on to your partner. We all have unfinished emotional business, every single one of us.
If you’re angry it’s often because there’s a gap between your expectations and reality.
Many salvageable relationships are abandoned in despair because of not knowing what to do or how to move out of this painful place.
Love isn’t what you feel, it’s what you do.
Where do I begin? STOP
- Stop minimising the hurt and pain you are feeling. Stop pretending that it doesn’t affect you. The ‘I’m okay’ and ‘I don’t care’ masks that you may have been wearing do not support you in the long term.
- Stop avoiding the hurt by using tactics such as being busy, watching television, eating, drinking, or overspending.
- Stop avoiding the buried emotions relating to the hurt and heartache, present or past.
Recognise the cost
Reflect on the following:
- Resentment and anger hurts you and absorbs your energy. Even if you are not consciously thinking about something regularly, you may still be hurting. It is just in the unconscious.
- The presence of resentment and unfinished business that needs attention may be more noticeable at certain times such as around birthdays, Christmas or anniversaries. You may find yourself a little irritated, stressed, or short-tempered at these times.
- Sometimes we avoid our emotions and let the patterns of the past impact the present. Is this happening for you?
Let go and make the commitment to forgive
- Make a conscious decision to let go of the anger and resentment. When you refuse to hold on you are no longer in the victim role. Things don’t happen to you anymore.
- Remind yourself that the incident or hurt with which you are dealing – the reason for going through the forgiveness process – is a specific event and not your whole life. Becoming overwhelmed or consumed by it may lead you to avoid doing anything at all and that will only hurt you.
Express the emotion
- Allow yourself to feel the emotions that you are experiencing. Acknowledge that they are real and that it is okay to experience them. Seek support if you struggle with this.
- Verbalise what you are feeling directly to your partner, ideally. Learning how to communicate is the key.
- The process of venting helps to move negative energy caused by anger. Screaming, boxing, punching cushions etc are all ways of moving energy.
- Expressing how you are feeling by writing in a journal is also extremely beneficial because it enables you to empty out your hurts and pains.
Freeing yourself from your arguing and fighting takes time and energy. Uncovering the needs and expectations you bring to your relationship/marriage is your work. To heal the wounds, you have brought with you because if you don’t you will carry them with you for the rest of your life. Divorce doesn’t resolve the emotional business of a relationship. It just gives you legal permission to repeat the same pattern with someone else.
Tune in to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This fortnight’s podcast is available now and discusses this topic in more depth.
Free yourself from your arguing and fighting podcast – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/