Two million dollars and a new partner – “I will be happy when I have the cash and the new man. Let’s also add in the new career, new wardrobe and the flash car.”
Is this you?
You are highly charged, reactive and swing like a pendulum according to the outside triggers.
This is a tough way to live life and a lot of us live like this. Safety, security and worth is something outside of yourself. So great is our thirst to be seen, validated, and approved of it that sets us up for living unauthentically, in a false way.
It all begins when we are kids and want to be seen by our parents. We slowly bury our authentic nature in the longing for love, so we adapt to ensure our needs get met. The ego is the false self and thrives when the inner self is ignored, denied, and suppressed.
The ego is a picture we carry of ourselves in our heads. Having developed slowly in response to your upbringing, it cleverly teaches you a way of functioning that suits your everyday reality.
As our authenticity erodes (living from the ego)
- You emotionally disconnect and withdraw.
- Confusion and self-hate
- Anger and resentment
- Exhaustion and fatigue
- Self-doubt and sabotage
Waking up and wanting life to be different and choosing to let go of the old self is the key. However, change can be uncomfortable particularly in our relationships.
Our fear of making changes in our relationship resolves around
- What will people say?
- Who will I be without external approval?
If this is speaking to you then some inner soul searching could help you and it begins with communication.
Communication is very much based on our lived events. Having the courage to communicate effectively is crucial and is linked to our self-esteem and confidence. So often the human mind is busy constructing a series of hurtful and toxic events, to go into a protective mode.
7 Questions for Improving Communication
Reflect on a recent time where your communication was not very clear with your partner. In your journal, ask yourself these 7 questions to determine your readiness and willingness to improve and start a different way of communicating. Am I assuming based on my experiences?
- What am I afraid of most in my relationship?
- Do I have a history of letdowns and unmet expectations in my relationship?
- Do I blame and nag regularly?
- What is my current state of being? Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT)?
- Have I communicated effectively to my partner (am I able to stay in the adult)?
- Is my partner getting the best version of me (or is work)?
We learn communication from our parents.
However, you are realizing this communication style is neither effective nor creating a close intimate relationship and “I will be happy when I have two million dollars and a new partner” is destructive to your mental health. This way of communicating is reactive, and often forces us into a fight, flight, and freeze way of living. Allow some compassion and patience around your answers as you learn a different way to communicate and be in your relationship.
Beginning to practise what you are learning and speaking up will begin to slow down the cycle of it always being greener out there and “I will be happy when I have the cash and the new man. Let’s also add in the new career, new wardrobe and the flash car.”
Tune in to my Empowered Marriage Podcast to learn more. This fortnight’s podcast is available now and discusses this topic in more depth.
Two million dollars and a New Partner – https://www.powerofchange.com.au/empowered-marriage-podcast/